Get hot and stay hot

Excerpt from “Downsize your home and regain your freedom’
Amazon and Kindle

Heating smaller homes should theoretically be easier but often they just turn into ‘small fridges’ instead.
If you have plenty of heating included in your rent, or service charge, then skip this section. Yes, its also theoretically cheaper but there are plenty of people living in big houses but heating just the one room.

If you don’t, you have a problem.

The price of heating is going up whilst temperatures seem to be going down. None of the savings of the low price of natural gas have been passed onto the consumer, because that would be too simple and too honest. They will squeeze us for every penny, then throw on some VAT, just in case the bill was too low.

Gas prices could surge, as my friend Putin will turn off the gas to Europe and teach us a lesson in siding with the idiot Obummer.

Being warm is not a right, it’s a luxury, so get prepared early.

Forget weather men as they don’t know anything. If they didn’t see the Tsunami coming they certainly won’t tell you when you will freeze overnight. Best bet for the UK is to see what coming over across the Atlantic after it hits the East coast.

If you are interested in history of art look at the Dutch paintings of the Thames freezing over, Europeans sleeping 5 to a bed and in woolly caps, landscapes clocked in snow and grave yards full of young people who never made it through the winter.

Be grateful and see the positives, extreme cold kills a lot of germs and its harder to get typhoid in minus 20 degrees.

On a more cheerful note I have a few tips to keep the toes warm, and avoid them dropping off whilst you sleep.

When the big chill does arrive, and it will, everyone will panic and run for supplies.

The smallest, cheapest fan heaters everywhere e.g Argos will run out immediately, that will you the expensive ones, the ones you don’t want, the wrong colour,by the wrong manufacturer, in the wrong shape and frustrated.

You need so buy the portable fan heaters before the end of November.

Keep your body warm first, and deal with the room afterwards.

Buy ski thermals. Only skiers buy them which leaves the vast majority of the population with no idea how sensible, comfortable, practical and life saving these garment are. I’ve put North Africans into thermals, they had never seen a piste, and it probably saved their lives.

Being Middle Eastern, Chinese, Brazilian, a Nomad, Indian or  from any other subcontinent, implies the population aren’t familiar with mountain apparel, but a winter is winter. Lets learn from our Swiss Alpine cousins, and stop pretending we still have fur.

Go to Primark, as they have the best range, for the best price and they wash well. Buy ‘thermal’ everything. EVERYTHING!

Thermals are not sexy garments but a huddled bag of cold bones is equally unattractive, and this is about survival, not procreation.

Shivering is the bodies response to being cold and trust me it doesn’t work. I have never seen a person ‘shiver’ themselves warm.

Buy the black/the grey/the navy, as the white makes you look fat, and it never stays white.

Buy new sets in the summer sales and give the old items away to the homeless.

Be warned our Polish, Latvian, Bosnian, Russian, Ukrainian cousins are not slow in snapping up the best sizes and colours.

Cover the windows with ‘double glazing film’ from B&Q. If you can’t get that use cling film and put a net over the window as it looks terrible.

Block all old wooden window frame holes with clear selotape. Condensation will run all over the place so hang the expense and change the selotape when needed.

Block under door drafts/gaps with mats and old towels.

Use the oven for cooking most meals and leave the door open after use.

Light a candle or two, as it gives the illusion of warmth.

Never live in a basement.

Never live on the top floor under a flimsy conversion roof.

Never live facing north.

Get coal/wood for the BBQ in case the heating goes off completely inside.

Have spare matches and lighters that are easy to find in the dark.

Stuff newspapers into floor board spaces.

Run the hot water for 5 mins to warm up the shower room.

Bleed the radiators every month in winter.

Eat curries, harrisa and eat a good cooked meal at lunch times.

Drink moderately as drunk people can do stupid things and can then freeze to death by accident. It happens every year.

Buy all the ski salopets in TJ Maxx you find before Xmas.

Learn to love fleece. It washes well, dries quickly and its warm.

Walk at least 20 mins a day outside and get your metabolism working.

Wear extra padded thick bras around the house.

Use a thick face cream on face, hands and feet as I creates a barrier to retain moisture.

Use up old tights, in odd colours, under trousers.

Buy sole liners for all your boots/trainers/winter shoes £1 pair in Primark so you are not walking on the wet ground.

Use hot water bottles and warm up the beds.

Cover the front door with a thick curtain and put strip foam around the frame.

Buy wellingtons a larger size and use thicker thermal socks.

Padded puffer coats work but add a big belt around the waist to reduce the drafts.

Put blankets on the sofas. Even the fleece blankets are warm and lightweight.

Cover the mattress with fleece blankets.

Try brushed cotton pillow cases and sheets.

Double up the duvets inside the covers.

Use slipper boots or Uggs indoors.

Buy a ‘onesie’ and learn to enjoy it.

Failing all that-get a lover for Xmas.


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